Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Last Sunday morning, Belle woke saying she was hot for Thumper. This, I might say, is a nice way to wake up. Unfortunately, our youngest was up and in and out of our room, so Belle told me that I'd have to wait until that night to satisfy her craving. The previous night, I had made up for Friday's transgression by giving her the orgasm she was denied 24-hours earlier. I guess that wasn't quite enough, because she woke up wanting more. By lunchtime, I was also locked up in the CB6K. I went in voluntarily so I could test a new combination of ring and spacer sizes (middle ring, second to smallest space). Even though I wasn't interested in being in there very long, Belle decided I might have to keep it on for a while. She reminded me that she, not I, decided when it came off. Putting it on of my own volition didn't change that.
The day went by and we spent the evening over at her parent's house celebrating her dad's birthday. Belle had more than her fair share of wine and, by the time we got home and into bed, she was over the "hot for Thumper" phase from earlier. Now, at this point, if it were me in her position, I'd just say, "You thought we were going to have sex? Too bad." But instead, she went somewhere else.
One of the things that lead to the troubles we experienced in out marriage was lack of sex. I don't blame her for this. We both let it happen over a long period of time. We just stopped having it. We'd go six or eight weeks with nothing whatsoever – her not offering and me not asking. She didn't seem to need it and I'd go and look at some web porn whenever I wanted to cum. Combined with other factors, this eventually led me into a short-lived affair. Last Sunday, instead of using her position as my sexual dominant to cover for her lack of interest, she instead took a left turn and started crying. She was worried, she said, that by denying me sex after suggesting we'd have it earlier that we were heading back to the place that caused our marriage to suffer.
Two things here. First, nothing could be further from the truth. Our troubles before were caused by joint sexual apathy, but now I felt we had a fully-engaged love life. She was denying me because I wanted to be denied. I was 1500% more satisfied with a fraction of the ejaculations. Second, as soon as she became vulnerable to me – when she cried and expressed her worry – I was completely blown out of my subspace. I could no longer be submissive to her and the presence of the CB6K on my cock went from being sensual to annoying in about 1/10th of a second. I asked a few times to have it removed (requests she basically ignored) and finally asserted that it had to be removed. The entire D/s dynamic was swept away.
I tried to explain how she had nothing to fear. That I was really much happier now and how she could use her disinterest as just another way to tease me (in effect, giving me what I wanted by not giving me what I wanted), but she was still weepy as we went to sleep. I can't say we were fighting, but there seemed to be some unresolved issues. The next morning, I was still a million miles from feeling submissive. By that night, though, things were getting better. We had another, less tearful, conversation and I felt myself descending back into my subspace. I got a little heated up and she rebuffed me in the "right" way, which helped a lot. Now, I'm feeling close to where I was before. She let me cum Wednesday (somewhat unexpectedly) but has since locked me up again and said I will get out until next Friday (which will be eight days in the device, twice my previous record). Not only that, I'll have been without orgasm for ten days (also a new record).
There's more I can say about the ups and downs of the previous week, but I don't have time at present. Suffice it to say, we're heading back to a place where we're both comfortable, which is good, and I'm walking around with the buzz of sexual denial keeping me on edge, which is great. It was amazing to me how quickly the trappings of sexual submissiveness could be pulled down, but am happy to feel them returning. All I ever want her to do is what feels right to her. As long as she's happy, I will be, too.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
My last orgasm had been six days earlier. I have no way of knowing since I didn't keep strict records on such things until I gave up control of my sexual satisfaction to her, but I'm pretty sure six days has to be one of the longest times I've gone without release in my adult life. So, needless to say, being naked and under the covers with my wonderful Belle Fille, my mind (and hands) immediately went to her body. She told me the massage was off, but that didn't mean I was without instructions. First, I was to get her nice and warm by manually stimulating her with my fingers. Then, I was to mount and fuck her - slowly - until she archived orgasm. I, however, was not to cum. Normally, she'd let me cum after her, but I got the impression that this time I was out of luck.
After a little while of sucking and licking her nipples and doing my dead level best to stimulate her clitoris, I could no longer stand the anticipation and begged to fuck her. I mounted her and felt her soft, warm moistness envelope my six-day-neglected cock. I nearly shot my load right there. I forced myself to consider other, less interesting subjects and started the long, slow strokes she requested.
I can make my Belle cum about 99% of the time using my fingers, mouth, or cock. The most popular paths to her orgasms are my fingers followed by her getting on top of me and riding my cock. Mounting her missionary-style is the one that takes the longest for her. Knowing this, I also knew I was going to have to concentrate very hard not to cum. After several minutes of fucking her slowly and continuing to pinch, suck and lick her nipples, I found myself on the very brink of orgasm. I withdrew and, hoping to buy some time to recover, started to rub my dick head against her clit (something she's enjoyed in the past). This time, however, she ordered me back in. She wanted me to fuck her to orgasm and didn't much care that I needed to take a break. So, back in I went.
I felt a small slug of ejaculate escape upon entering, but I think was whatever had locked and loaded from the edge of the orgasm I had just come down from. I felt OK, though, and continued to work on her tits. I felt very much like her pet at this point. I was suffering - straining not to cum and in an awkward position fucking her while also working her tits. I was nothing more than her tool. A big meat fucking machine with her favorite dildo attached. She started to whisper how good what I was doing with her cock felt. I could sense she was getting close. She was breathing heavier and moving her hips in counter motion to my thrusts. Her mind was entirely on her own pleasure and without regard to what I was feeling and I knew it. And I loved it. And that's when it happened.
I felt the wave of the orgasm too late to do anything about it. I came and I came. Probably six or more spurts into her. I tried to stop it and fought every one so that, even though I had been saving it up for a week, I didn't enjoy a moment of it. I knew I had failed. She had not yet cum, but I did. I tried to keep going but the sensation on the head of my cock was too intense. Besides, I was starting to get soft. She told me to stop but to leave it in there. I pushed in as far as I could while she moved her hips around me. She did achieve a fierce little orgasm, but nothing like the OMFG type I had hoped she'd get.
I know there are dommes out there who would really make me pay for such a terrible transgression. My Belle's not one of them. She does acknowledge that I owe her, but has so far not made clear what, if any, punishment I'll receive for failing to contain my pleasure before hers. On the one hand, I love her for her sweet gentleness. She was really happy I got to cum and didn't feel too much put out for not getting a good one herself. She says I owe her one tonight and that I better be able to contain myself this time. On the other hand, though, I wish she'd be a little tougher on me. I need to feel that what I did last night will lead to consequences I may not be happy about. If I know all I'll get is a light verbal scolding, will I fight as hard next time to keep from cumming?
The best part for me about how she reacted was immediately after her little orgasm. She said she wished she had a harem so she could get the next guy to come finish the job I was unable to complete. Maybe he'd be a more worthy lover. This was perfect. The thrill that went down my spine as she said these mildly humiliating and non-threatening things (of course, there is no other guy and there never will be) was delicious. However, I think she felt that saying them hurt my feelings or something because she immediately started to backpedal. It's kind of funny, actually. I think there might be a snarling little dominatrix in there somewhere. How else would those things have come from her lips at just the right time to stoke my feelings of failure and inadequacy? But then the nice girl came back and tried to cover it all up. I love that nice girl, don't get me wrong. I married her. But, when I'm her pet, I'd much rather have the bad girl come out, kick up her feet, and stay a while.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The other day over on FetLife, I started a topic looking for advice regarding my previously mentioned issues with sleeping while locked up. Lot's of good advice over there, but the best comment came from chastitygoddess who said:
As others have said, it takes some time to adjust. But what is important is you re-channel your feelings from 'throbbing, painful erections' in your device to relishing the delight of 'throbbing manhood held in your keyholders embrace.'She's absolutely right, of course. And I think that's where I am. It's not that I don't like the feeling of being encased in chastity - I absolutely do relish it - it's that it was keeping me up and making me lose sleep. Until last night.
I awoke just once (that I can remember) and didn't get out of bed until after Belle's alarm went off. Of course, I had major morning wood. It was so bad, in fact, that I couldn't even pee. My shaft was squeezed shut by the trapped erection. I was able to force urine out in tight bursts, but not enough to empty my bladder. Chalk up another new sensation to enforced chastity.
Today, I'm wearing boxers and the loosest pants I have and I must say I'm extremely comfortable. A few times I've forgotten I'm packing plastic. If I had a few more pants like these and could sleep more or less though the night, I could stay in this thing indefinitely. Just don't tell Belle, k?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Last night, Belle and I had a great conversation. I got her The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners (which is incredibly short and simplistic, but written in a nice and nonthreatening way). After she finished it, we talked for a while. It's clear (maybe obviously so) that the most important part of our integrating OD and D/s into our marriage is communicating our boundaries and expectations. I think she's putting a lot of stress on herself with regards to being the kind of dominant I'm looking for. She's never going to be a man-eating dominatrix because that's just not in her. In fact, I just want her to be herself. I want her to treat me as the junior partner in the sexual aspect of our relationship in any way that's comfortable for her. I'm just thrilled to be along for the ride.
She did confess a reluctance to participate in any kind of anal play with me. That's a disappointment, but seeing we have so many other things to get through first (she has yet to tie me up or flagellate me, darn it all), I'm not too worried. I do enjoy it and go through periods where I crave it, but they're few and far between. Maybe with more discussion and a better understanding of what's involved, she'll change her mind, but in the mean time, I'm good.
Monday, November 3, 2008
- The Edge of Vanilla - Tom Allen's chastity and OD site is a must for those of us not looking to be dressed up in skimpy French maid outfits and made to clean the toilet with our toothbrushes. It's the kink site for the rest of us. Also, Tom seems to be a nice guy, so that's a plus.
- Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed - BDSM blog by Meitar Moscovitz (AKA, maymay). His thoughtful, intelligent writing about things I had previously only vaguely fantasized about made me realize BDSM was about more than sex. There's philosophy there, too. Maymay also produces (produced?) a podcast called Kink on Tap. His sixth episode on Teasing and Denial was revelatory.
- A Place to Draw Blood Laughing - Blog of Eileen, maymay's partner and domme. She's cohost of the Kink on Tap podcast. I find her writing to be beautiful and evocative.
- Domme Chronicles - Super-hot fiction, including an entire entry on biting (my favorite).
- Beyond the Hills - To be honest, I don't know a thing about this author, except that her post on aggressive submission spoke to me like nothing else has in the six weeks or so I've been investigating the kinky universe.
I neglected to mention in my recent reports that I picked up a set of KSD-G3s to help improve the security of the CB6K. (For those who don't know, the KSD-G3 is a polycarbonate doodad that fits into the tube of the CB6K above the penis. It has a little rib that protrudes on the end down and into the flesh of the penis. It works by holding the penis in place but, more importantly, by causing the skin of the penis to gather and catch as it's pulled out. I found it to be very effective. I might have been able to pull out, but I'm not sure I would have been able to get back in.) I wore the middle size (B) for the first two days but had to take it out (carefully, without removing the tube) because it had sharp little corners that were biting into me at night. After a few minutes under the business end of my Dremel, the little corners were gone and the G3 was back in place (male chastity is a surprisingly DIY-intensive sport, I'm finding). No more biting. However, here on the morning after, I find three abrasion lines on the top of my shaft from the protruding rib on the G3. Nice, neat little cuts except they didn't break the skin. They don't really hurt, but I'm thinking next time I should go the smallest size. Would hate to take off the tube one day and find two-thirds of my severed cock still in it.
I also have some tenderness on the underside of my shaft where it meets my scrotum. I believe this is from the end of the tube in that location digging into my balls during erections but also when the tube is shoved into them when I'm wearing jeans or tight underwear. Nothing too serious.
I have a few little abrasions on the head of my dick from those pesky erections pushing it though the opening at the end of the tube. Again, nothing serious. Don't remember where, but I found a tip on the web to help avoid this. Fold up a square of toilet paper and slip it into the head of the tube. Makes a nice little pad to both absorb dribbles of urine but also to protect against the kind of abrasions I have. I'll try that next time, at least when sleeping.
Finally, I've discovered the cause of two areas of irritation on either side of the base of my shaft. The CB6K's design uses three polycarbonate (or maybe nylon) posts. The main one secures the tube to the ring and has a hole for the lock. The other two are on either side of that one and hold the ring assembly together (as well as providing some structural rigidity to the unit). The backside of the main post is flush with the ring against the pubic bone when inserted, but the other two have slightly rounded ends . While not rough, they apparently protrude just enough to cause the two spots of irritation I have. They line up perfectly. Not sure what to do about that. I might be able to sand them down. Either that, or I'm going to develop some oddly-placed callouses.
If all this talk of irritation, biting, chafing, etc., sounds like too much trouble to you, then enforced chastity is not in your future. Personally, I was a little disappointed she didn't lock me back up after she had her way with me (and more than a little surprised by my disappointment). There is hope, though. She's said that if Barack Obama loses Virginia, she's going to lock me back up. If he wins it, then I'm safe until at least Friday. I have no idea what Virginia's voting has to do with my cock, but I like the randomness of my fate. I only wish the polls showed a closer race.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Read the entire post.
To be strong (physically or emotionally) is not an inherently dominant trait, just like being assertive isn’t inherently dominant, and being strong-willed isn’t inherently dominant. Those things are just good. Those things complement submission, they make submission delicious.
Submissive does not mean passive.
Being passive is being passive, not submissive....
Knowing what you want and being brave enough tell someone is sexy. Being able to take care of yourself is sexy. Being able to make decisions is sexy. Being perfectly able to make good decisions and then letting me make them for you is even sexier. [Emphasis fucking mine.]
- My erection's swelling causes pressure at the base of my shaft which, in turn, causes the cock ring to cut cruelly into me. As I said yesterday, there are two points of irritation forming on my cock and the swelling of my meat against the sharp edges of hard, unyielding acrylic is, I believe, the cause. Why oh why can't the ring be rounded?
- The internal diameter of the tube is smaller than my cock. Therefore, it's like having a vice on all 3.25" of my dick that will fit within it. Additionally, there are three vents on either side of the tube near where it locks to the ring. These vents are purportedly there to allow for the circulation of air and to aid cleaning. However, when fully erect, the soft, fleshy tissue within extrudes out of them like Play-Doh. The edges of the acrylic are not sharp, but the constant intense pressure causes the edges to eventually bite. Also, the skin that pokes though is pulled tight and becomes very sensitive.
- As my erection lengthens, it pushes at the end of the tube and lifts the entire apparatus away from my body. This has the effect of pulling on my scrotum and causing its skin to be pulled smoothly tight. My testicles, unable to escape through the ring, are forced to the sides of my entrapment and rub, in their hyper-sensitive state, against my inner thighs.
Night before last, as all this was going on during the 5:00 AM shift, Belle turned to me in the bed and meant to place one of her legs between mine (entwining them as any loving couple might over the course of the night). Unfortunately, her knee came in a little too aggressively and collided against all the tight, constrained, and otherwise tortured flesh. I saw stars in the pitch black of our room. Oddly enough though, after the initial shock of impact, I felt myself enjoying the afterglow of pain.
And that's the root of my new found observation. As I briefly mentioned yesterday, because Belle is forcing me to wear the device this time, I find myself actually looking forward to the pain. I like it when Belle inflicts pain on me during our lovemaking and, since I'm in chastity at her direction, it is, in essence, a form of lovemaking (at least in my twisted and hormone-fevered brain). The device is the physical manifestation of her control over me, so when I wake up in the middle of the night in pain, she's giving it to me. It hurts, yes. Hurts a lot. But I'm starting to appreciate it. God help me, I'm starting to really enjoy it.