Friday, October 31, 2008

Back in the box

Wednesday night, Belle was out of town. Before she left, she agreed to allow me to pleasure myself in her absence as long as I did not achieve orgasm. I have found that I need an outlet for my sexual tension when I can't focus on her and dry masturbation seemed to help. Also, before she left, she agreed to leave our toy box unlocked as I wanted to play around with some of our new items (I called it "research").

Earlier in the day, on my way back to the office following a client meeting, I found myself back at the house with thoughts of that unlocked box dancing in my head. I hurried into our bedroom, stripped, and brought out the Aneros. It had been about five days since my last orgasm and I wanted to see if I could milk myself.

My first impression of the Aneros was that it was very small. That was disappointing. As I've mentioned previously, I'm an old hand at putting things up my ass and have always been something of a size queen. The Aneros is positively dainty in comparison to some of the things I've gotten up there. What I found, though, is that size really doesn't matter. A couple of drops of JO lube later, and it slid in so easily I almost didn't feel it. Once in place though, I immediately appreciated its cunningly devised shape. After about 10 or 15 minutes of direct prostate massage combined with a moderate amount of stroking, I experienced my first non-orgasmic emission. It just sort of poured out in a rather lazy fashion and pooled next to my belly button. It was ejaculation without the jack. Since it was a new sensation attached to my dick, I have to say I enjoyed it, but it wasn't anything like cumming. Afterward, I was still totally aroused, and in fact, remained in a heightened state of arousal for the remainder of the day. There was no post-orgasmic high. No drowsiness. No contentedness. My brain was still buzzing with sexual activity.

Which was probably why I screwed up that night. After all the kids were in bed and asleep, I wanted to repeat the milking experience. I wasn't sure it was possible since my understanding of how it worked was that there had to be ejaculate backed-up and waiting behind the prostate, but I was horny as hell and couldn't imagine it would hurt anything to try again. This time, it didn't even take ten minutes. Either I found the fucking spot on my gland or it was extra sensitive from the earlier session, but the intensity of the feelings washing over me was like nothing I've ever felt before. Next thing I knew, and with little manual stimulation, the semen was leaking out again. Still not flying out like a normal orgasm, but with more vigor than the first time. In fact, it wasn't so much the way it came out but how it felt inside that told me I had cum. As soon as I realized it was happening, I tried to stop it, but it was too late. It wasn't an especially good orgasm, but an orgasm it was. I had broken my promise to Belle. I felt terrible.

Not only had I cum without permission, but I did it after she gave me permission to masturbate. It was just about the worst thing I could do. However, I also knew she would not appreciate the seriousness of the infraction. I could have told her and experienced no repercussions. But, in the twisted way my mind's working, I wanted her to punish me. I needed to pay for cumming. Even though I'm no big fan of the CB6K, I knew that I needed to put it on. And not just for two days this time. I came without permission. I needed to do some hard time (so to speak).

If we have any issues in our relationship right now, they're mainly centered around me needing her to be a strong, dominate female and her resistance to doing it naturally. She just doesn't feel it. I want to be beat up, tortured, teased, and denied and she just wants to snuggle. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling (in fact, her absent-minded stroking of my armpit hair while we're holding each other is one of my favorite sensations). But sometimes, and especially now since its all so new, I want her to domme it up a bit. I have a feeling it will come - that we'll eventually meet half-way - but it's going to take time. I'll go vanilla for her when she wants me to and she'll tie me up and spank me every so often. But for the moment, it's somewhat awkward. Case in point...

I spilled the beans to her when she got home the next day. I told her I proactively locked myself up (though she admitted that she wouldn't have thought of that). I told her she needed to decide for how long I was to be incarcerated and that she should not let my whining and complaining about it affect her decision. I needed to be locked up and denied for a long time. I should never, ever want to cum outside her company ever again. Yes, I do get off on this treatment, but I really do hate the fucking CB6K. Really. She needs show me who's boss and to use the CB6K as her enforcement tool - the physical manifestation of her absolute control over my sexual pleasure. Hopefully someday, I won't need to coach her on this and it'll all just come to her naturally. When it does - when I fear her reaction to cumming at the wrong time or without her permission - then I'll really be happy.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Well, that was weird - further thoughts

Regarding this:
So last night she comes home late and pretty much says we aren't going to be using any of the new items. I didn't really think she'd be tying me up, but not even the collar? I can't even try it on? I had built this moment up in my mind - me, the pet, getting my first collar, from her, my owner - and instead I get a tired wife who just wants to go to bed.
If I were in her shoes (which I'd never be since they look so uncomfortable and I have not even an inkling of a shoe/foot fetish nor am I interested in cross dressing) I'd have used this situation as a way to give me what I want without giving me what I want. I don't expect she's going to want to have sex as often as I do (especially when I'm getting no orgasmic release away from her), so why not just tell me to be a good boy and heel? Hell, hit me with a rolled up newspaper, even. Tell me tonight's not the night and if I give her any crap about it she'll add a week to however long it's going to be until I get to cum. When the time comes, she can even threaten to lock me up. In short, leverage her disinterest into an opportunity to feed my kink. I suppose she'll get there. This is all so new to both of us, though I've dived deeply into the concept and have read so much more on the topic than she has. Maybe it's time to give her a tour of some of the sites I've been visiting.

Well, that was weird.

Last night was not especially great. Belle's flight was delayed so she got home really late. Also, she had to get up early this morning and'll be at a work thing tonight, so there's no telling when we'll get a chance for some quality time. Suddenly, the real world has shoved its nose into our life and I'm not liking it. It's given rise to some worries.

Last post, I talked about the whole "exotic pet" metaphor. If someone had dropped a lemur or ferret on her doorstep without instruction, Belle'd be just as hard-pressed to deal with it as she is dealing with her suddenly kinky, horny, submissive husband. While I did order her some books, they only can help her so much if, at the end of the day, her heart's just not in it. I never asked her if she wanted to control my orgasms and we never really talked about adding a large measure of kink into our sex lives. I more or less dumped all that on her. Well, what if she doesn't like it? What if none of this really gets her going? In order for it to work for me, I need it to work for her. And last night, it just wasn't.

Since she called me and told me about the things she was buying in San Francisco, I have been fixated on the collar. The other things (cuffs, straps, etc.) are also intriguing to me, but I've been imagining the collar almost constantly- the first time she put it on me, the way it would look around my neck, the way it would make me feel. Yeah, I've taken this whole pet thing pretty seriously. So last night she comes home late and pretty much says we aren't going to be using any of the new items. I didn't really think she'd be tying me up, but not even the collar? I can't even try it on? I had built this moment up in my mind - me, the pet, getting my first collar, from her, my owner - and instead I get a tired wife who just wants to go to bed. No, there's nothing wrong with that. It's totally understandable. But I was pretty well crushed by the let down and that, in turn, led me to doubt this entire course we're on. It also highlights the precarious emotional state I'm apparently in.

I feel as though I'm coming out to her. No, I'm not gay, but I can't imagine telling her I was would be much more difficult than this. Where we are in our relationship and how quickly it's developed over the past six to eight weeks, and the fact that sex (or lack of it) was one of the root issues that led to our troubles, has left me feeling a little insecure. On top of that, I know that as I'm exploring my desires I'm discovering new things about myself. As I mentioned in the last post, I'm finding myself much more drawn to D/s (with some reluctance). It's as if I'm pulling a thread on a sweater and it just keeps coming with no end in sight. I really don't know what kind of person I am. And I don't know if Belle's interested in maintaining whatever it is I'm becoming. And that's scary.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thumper: An exotic pet

Wednesday night, after Belle released me from the device, we had amazing, intense, and extraordinarily satisfying sex (at least for me). While we were discussing the affect the CB6K had on me and us, I was able to explain to Belle the four pillars of my kinkiness. In short, they are:
  • Orgasm tease and denial - This is foundational. Not sure a lot of folks would consider this a kink in an of itself, but, as I've written about previously, I'm categorizing it as a core kink for me and our relationship.
  • Pain - I am a masochist. When I'm aroused, any feeling of pain seems to amplify my pleasure. So far, Belle has been unable to inflict pain on me that crossed my threshold beyond sexual enjoyment. Pinching, scratching, hair pulling, and biting have, so far, only increased my arousal.
  • Bondage - I desperately want to be tied up. We have experimented with this very little, mostly due to lack of proper equipment. I remember telling her about my desire to experiment with bondage at the very beginning of our relationship, but she had no way to deal with that information at the time and nothing ever came of it. Truth be told, I've never really been tied up by anyone, but I've often fantasized about being secured with straps and ropes and unable to control the things being done to me. Plus, bondage porn is some of my favorite.
  • Anal play - This is the one thing that I have plenty of experience with. In my youth, I had several male sex partners and have held a fascination with putting things up my ass for as long as I can remember. However, with the exception of a brief period near the beginning of our relationship, Belle and I had never really talked about it and we've never integrated it into our sex. It has been relegated to solo masturbatory sessions for more than a decade.
You may notice, as I have, that the first three bullets involve activities often related to dominance and submission (D/s). I've written at the beginning of this blog that I wasn't especially interested in being Belle's slave. Interestingly though, the closer we edge towards activities with strong D/s overtones I find I have more interest in being dominated, in at least a sexual way. I am still decidedly NOT interested in Belle dominating me all the time in all we do. However, in bed, I've yet to find the bottom of the pool of my submissive desire.

So once the talking part of our evening was over (or, at least, the part where we talked exclusively since we usually talk quite a bit while making love), and Belle was being especially cruel to my nipples, raking her nails down my back and ribs, digging them into my ass cheeks (almost, but not quite, as good as ass biting), and squeezing and pulling on my balls, I blurted out that I wanted to be her sexual pet. I had already used the metaphor to describe all these new kinky needs suddenly gushing from her husband and how it was not unlike having an exotic animal left in your care with no idea what to do with it. It clicked in my head that, in fact, I did want to be her sexual pet. Like any well-trained and obedient animal, I was eager to please her and willing to accept just about any command. The attention she was lavishing on my body was profoundly arousing. While I was still her husband, lover, and friend, I also found myself moving to a place in my head where I was, absolutely, her pet. And I loved it.

Since I'm often over-thinking things, here's my take on this. I don't want to be a slave because, in my mind, that requires the abdication of too much authority over my body to someone else. I do not want to kneel before her or wait for her command (and she's not interested in that, either). However, a pet still has the ability to think and act for itself. It can have an overwhelming need to satisfy its master, but as any pet owner knows, even the best-trained animal will sometimes do what it wants and try to take control of a moment. In this way, I think the pet metaphor is a much better expression of my need to be submissive while balancing my dislike of being totally dominated.

Yesterday, my wonderful Belle Fille called me from San Francisco, where she's visiting a friend. To while away the afternoon before her friend came home from work, she was doing some shopping and happened upon a local sex shop called Good Vibrations. She called me and we both shopped the store as she walked the aisles and I surfed their website. She'll be coming home Sunday with cuffs, straps, a feather tickler, nipple clamps and - the thing I'm most happy about - a fur-lined collar for her pet.

My wife is making her kinky little bunny very, very happy.

Out of the box

Belle let me out of the CB6K Wednesday night and I suspect I won't be seeing it again for a while. There are several reasons for this. First, we're in period of transformation in our relationship. Sometimes it's easy to forget that it was less than two months ago that I revealed my infidelity to Belle. From that nadir to today's zenith has been a remarkable period of discovery and growth that continues to evolve. The emotional and physiological impact of enforcing chastity was not adding to the joy of this period. Second, Belle's still adjusting to her role as my keyholder (and I'll continue to use that phrase even when not locked up since the key I've given her isn't just a physical one). No small part of our emotional transformation is the sexual aspect. I feel like I'm dumping all kinds of stuff on her that I've had in my head for years and years (more on that soon) and she's understandably going to need time to figure out what to do with it all. Frankly, she just isn't ready to deal with a whiny, locked up male. Lastly, there are just so many other new sexual adventures for us to explore that the slow burn of chastity was taking the hitch out of our giddy-up. Once we get past this "kid on Christmas morning" period, I really hope well revisit the acrylic prison. Right now, though, is the wrong time.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Different, not better

Day two in the cage. This morning, Belle supervised as I dismantled the little acrylic torture chamber in order to put on the 2" ring (which, by the way, is too big - makes the thing much less secure). The relief once it was off was palpable. I had mentioned to her less than 10 minutes before that I wanted to move up a size and that I needed her to unlock me. As soon as I realized I was going to be released, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept going back to her until she agreed to go into the bathroom with me and do it. I was like a little kid or a puppy or something. I had to get out of it.

She washed the tube while I reassembled the bits and pieces. As soon as I started to slide the lubed cage back over my cock, I felt the elation leak out of me. I think I even whimpered a little. When she snapped the lock, something snapped in me, too. Not "snapped" like a postal worker. Maybe "clicked" is a better word. Anyway, I suddenly felt very much kept. Locked up basically against my will since I really didn't want to get back in there. But, a deal's a deal. I gave her the power and she's using it. I felt very different than before it arrived when she was denying me release. Then, I was looking for more stimulation - more access to her in order to get that. This time, I felt owned by her.

After the relocking was done, I followed her around from room to room, kissed her a lot, and (apparently) gave her funny looks. Now I realize that I'm not just being denied orgasm, but her touch as well. She likes to lay in bed and basically pet my cock. She's been doing the same thing since I got locked up, but of course, now I can't feel it. The only sensation I get from my cock now is negative (pressure, tightness, pain). I feel so much more dependent on her than before. I am starting to feel like I'm her prisoner. It is effecting me emotionally and mentally.

Mind you, I'm not saying I want to stop. I really want to continue to experiment with the device. However, at this time, I can't say I want chastity to be a huge part of our sexual lifestyle - more like a side dish rather than an entree. I love that she controls it. I love that I have no power over its use. It is a huge turn-on. Beyond that, though, I'm not sure I love how it makes me feel.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Irresistible force

The biggest surprise so far with the CB6K is that, in fact, it does not stop erections. Just like Christmas morning the night after the Grinch steals all the Who-gifts, somehow or other, I get hard just the same. Unfortunately, the strength of my erection doesn't break the box it's in quite as easily as the Grinch's heart did when it grew from four sizes too small. It's more like when he gets caught going down the chimney. Yeah, OK, enough Dr. Suess metaphors.

I guess I thought the erection would start, see that it didn't have room, shrug its shoulders, and then go back into his hole. Turns out it doesn't have shoulders (D'OH!). It just keeps on truckin' and ends up backing up into my body and pressing the CB6K's ring into the underside of my balls. Ouch. I'm going to try moving to the 2" ring tonight, but don't have much hope that it'll make a difference.

Belle leaves town on Thursday for four days. She says she knows if I'll be locked up while she's gone, but she's not willing to tell me my fate...

The Eagle Has Landed

Belle picked me up at the airport yesterday afternoon and had the CB6K with her. It was smaller than she had expected, but actually a little bigger than I had thought it would be (maybe a good thing). It's exactly what all the pictures of it look like on the internet, so very little surprise out of the box. She said she'd put me in it that night since I wasn't in the proper condition at that moment anyway and she wasn't feeling all that well (which is why she was home yesterday and able to come get me).

We got home and, sickness be damned, were all over each other. Pretty soon we were naked and I was sending her into orgasm with a combination of my fingers and mouth (there's nothing better than directly feeling her orgasms with my tongue). Then, because she's sweet and probably a little too indulgent, she said I'd needed to fuck her and come if I wanted to be able to put the device on before we went to pick up the kids. It had only been since Wednesday with no teasing in between, but it was a fucking amazing release anyway.

I started with the 2 inch ring and the second to smallest spacer. We applied JO lube and did our best to pack my sausage into its new home. I was immediately able to pull it off. Following May's advice, I moved to the 1 7/8" ring and the smallest spacer. After two or three painful pinches getting it assembled, it was more secure, but I'm still pretty sure I could pull out if I wanted to. Also, the friggin' ring is tight. Not sure how much of this is par for the course and how much is just ill-fitting, but away we went to pick up the kiddies and head out for dinner.

I definitely knew it was there the entire time. While driving, the CB6K had nowhere to go but down my left leg making me look like I'm either very well hung or very aroused. By the time we had both the kids and were at the restaurant, I was feeling some pretty intense pinching. Once home, I found a bunch of scrotum skin bunched up and pinched between the cage and the ring. Pulled that back through the ring and, using a Q-tip, shoved my winky more fully into the cage and felt better. Then I had to pee.

OK, this I'm not thrilled about. There's something about a strong, heavy stream of hot piss plunging into a toilet bowl that says - loudly and proudly - "guy". Pissing through the end of the cage slows and disrupts the stream so it comes trickling out. Standing is, of course, out of the question. Sitting, it sounds to all the world like the tinkling of a little girl. Grrr. It accentuates my imprisonment and Belle's ownership of my manhood in an unexpected way. While it makes this simple act much more complicated and somewhat humiliating, I also have to admit to being aroused by it.

We eventually went to bed with the idea that we'd just snuggle and watch TV, but I wasn't much interested in just snuggling and was shortly pleasuring her with my fingers while sucking on her right nipple. After her second orgasm of the day, it was time for sleep. She gently stroked my forehead trying to being me down off my hormonal surge (I said she was sweet) and we fell into sleep with her in my arms. Bliss.

About 90 minutes later, I was awake and on fire. The ring was incredibly tight and burned around the root of my unit while my cock felt numb. I went into the bathroom hoping to find my junk turning blue so I'd have an excuse to take the damned device off, but no dice. All was pink and normal, though very constrained. My hard-on had filled every tiny space inside the cage and the tip of my penis was pressing against the slit on the end of the tube. It wasn't numb, it was just sensory deprived. I had the sensation of my dick being transported away from my body and held somewhere dark and tight, though I could still feel it. Weird.

After a few cycles of falling back to sleep only to be awakened by my little prisoner's anguish, I rolled over and put my arm over Belle. She woke up a little and asked how I was sleeping. I asked what would happen if I said I wasn't, and she said nothing would happen, that she was just curious. Nice. So much for all that shit about her being sweet.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Like a Twinkie without the creamy filling

Random thought. Like I said in the previous post, Belle and I have been away from each other for a week with just one short (yet productive) visit. In that time, I have hardly touched myself, let alone masturbated. This is not the version of orgasm denial I had in mind! Once I get home, we'll get back in the swing of things, but the absence of orgasms along with the absence of teasing or some other intense sexual stimulant isn't fun, it's just sad.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Changes are afoot

Ugh, being away from Belle Fille has been hell...on both of us. In the past week, we've spent about 12 hours together and for most of those we were sleeping. First she was gone and I was miserable and now I've been gone and it's her turn. As I write this, I'm about 12 hours away from going home to her and not a moment too soon. What is it they say about tomorrow being the first day of the rest of your life?

Saturday was our 11th wedding anniversary. Eleven years of keeping my sexual needs and wants hidden from her. Eleven years of her not being able to fully embrace the sexual being that was within her. Eleven years leading up to a crisis in our marriage that's left us stronger for having survived it. If the past six weeks (since I told her about the affair) have been the time our relationship was being heated and hammered by the blacksmith, then this past week was the final plunge into cold water before our new marriage - forged from what was left of the old - was fully complete.

We're calling this "11.1" - the first year after the first eleven years. Standing here at the brink of it, I find myself filled with excitement and overwhelmed by the potential of it all.

So, to fill you in on the events of the past several days: On Wednesday last, Belle came home from her trip. I did everything I could to clear the decks so that, upon her arrival, we could focus on each other. However, her plane landed early so the kids were still awake when she got home. Whatever. Minor setback. We still got to spend quality time (most of it naked by candlelight) and, after she climbed on top of me and came, she stayed up there and rode me to a fantastic orgasm. Jesus, I thought my toe nails were going to pop off. It had been just five days since my last emission (not that long compared to what many on the interweb say they've endured) but it was the longest I'd gone without release (while also being sexually aroused) since, like, ever.

The CB6k will arrive tomorrow and all the other toys (with the exception of the new cock rings) have already shown up. She'll be leaving again on Thursday to spend time with her girlfriend in San Francisco (no, not that kind of girlfriend - but bonus points for thinking it) and I have to admit I hope she leaves me locked up while she's away. I'm a little worried about getting the fit right in just a few days, but think I can figure it out in time.

Lastly, Belle has expressed an interest in joining me on this blog. I've set her up with an account, so we'll see what happens. The idea of a he-said-she-said thing kind of turns me on and, I think, her journey along this new path might be even more interesting than mine.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

D.I.Y. cock ring report

Day two of wearing the crappy hardware store cock ring 24/7 is over and I can report no pain at all. No chafing, no pinching. There were some episodes last night where my erections made the ring bite across the top of my shaft, and the wood I woke up with this AM was just more of the same mildly discomforting pain. I think this is because the gauge of the ring is rather small and causes it dig into my flesh. I'm hoping the new stainless model, since it's thicker, will be more comfortable.

All this nighttime and morning firmness has me thinking a lot about the CB6K still on its way from Canada. I really can't know how that's going to be. Being awoken by a tight ring around my hard-on is one thing. Having the thing squeezed into a little rigid tube is something else entirely. Pretty sure there will be a few sleepless nights in my future. However, I do wonder about the tightness of the ring. If the the tube keeps me from achieving a full erection, will I need to move to a smaller size? Hmm, can't wait to find out.

Triple play

Last night I spoke to an old friend about this strange new world of orgasm denial (OD). It was refreshing because I felt very much that I wanted to share this with someone other than Belle. I'm sure most people would tend to keep this kind of thing to themselves, but I've been compelled to talk about it and I think I know why. First of all, now that I'm being totally open with Belle about everything I'm thinking and wanting, it's sort of broken down a wall I had built between my fantasies and real life. Since she's the most important person to me in the world and knows everything I just don't feel like I need to keep it a secret from anyone else. Second, in the short time Belle's had control over my emissions, I've gotten a glimpse of the incredible transformational potential of OD.

I know that in my body (and, I assume, the bodies of most other guys) my brain, heart, and dick are all on the same circuit. Get control of one of those things, and the other two are easy pickins'. Get two, and it's game over. What I feel has happened in our relationship is that my brain and my heart conspired to hand over my dick to Belle. Due to the tremendous trust I have in her (brain) and the great love I feel towards her (heart), it was perfectly natural for me to hand over my dick (which really serves him right for being so easily distracted and only waking up a couple of times an hour). The erotic power of this arrangement also pleases both the brain and heart immensely and that helps keep the dick in it's place. Then, since the dick really is a simple minded yet powerful little guy, all the focus of his attention gets whittled into into a sharp point. In short, he has no other options. Like a kid frying an ant with a magnifying glass, he targets Belle and makes sure the brain and the heart (those elitist eggheads who put him in this spot to begin with) have no choice but to follow his imperative and focus on her more than they did before. That's the beauty of this scheme. A simple yet sincere act of trust and love has, in effect, worked to increase those same feelings many times over. Soon, she became the absolute center of my universe. She hardly ever leaves my consciousness and her pleasure and well being have become a primary objective of mine. When she's not near, I think about when she will be again. When she is near, I am always thinking of new ways to make her even closer to me. Heady stuff.

Truth be told, I had no idea OD would prove to be so potent. I am not a person with religious faith nor have I ever really felt its absence. However, this concept has proven to be so transformational that I begin to understand the zealot's drive. I want everyone to do this. I think it should be standard operating procedure and, in fact, written into the marriage vows. Hell, I might just found a church around this. I could use the tax write-off. Anyone interested in joining Our Lady of Perpetual Denial?

Connie Cul-de-sac

While talking on the phone to Belle last night, she told me she took umbrage at my characterization of her here as "by nature, not a kinky person." Said I made her sound like she's a Connie Cul-de-sac. Apparently, there was this episode with a banana once in a hotel room and she thinks she should get some kinkpoints for that. Unless that's the tip of some tropical fruit fetish I don't know about (don't even want to think about the pineapples), I will have to respectfully stand by my position that she is not, by nature, a kinky person. And that's OK! I think there's a lot of potential there. The Game idea shows that she's thinking about it and, personally, I feel just about everyone has their kinks and all anyone has to do is discover them. What I find nice about kinky interests is that one tends to lead to others.

So anyway, I did what I always do when presented with a new opportunity for learning and bought some books. First, based on a recommendation from Tom Allen on Kink on Tap 7, I ordered When Someone You Love Is Kinky. That one seems to be aimed at a person who's not as comfortable with a kinky partner as my Belle is, but it still might help her (and me) frame our relationship. Then, based on reviews on Amazon, I also picked up Come Hither: A Common Sense Guide to Kinky Sex. This might be a little broad at the moment as we're just getting started here, but if Belle learns the finer points of tying me up, then all the better! Finally, I got Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders. Since this whole orgasm denial/chastity thing was my idea, I thought she'd need something like this to help develop her own personal approach to keeping my key.

Of course, now that I've thrown down the "your not as kinky as me" gauntlet, I might just come back from my trip to find her in a full latex dominatrix suit brandishing a riding crop and myself on the floor hogtied with a hood over my head and a ponytail sticking out my ass.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Yay, enthusiasm!

So I wrote the preceding post before talking to my Belle Fille. Now, I feel 180% better.

I'm still new to all this and I'm not used to carrying around all these hormones. I think my previous funk was from losing the physical closeness of she who keeps my key. Without her near me, all my energy and pent up frustration just curdled. Once I heard her voice though, it was like the sun shone down upon me. Now I'm excited again and the guys who's sites left me angry and nonplussed earlier are humorous and entertaining again. Most of that shit's still not my cup of tea, but who am I to judge what gets them off? March forward to happiness, my sexually deprived brethren!

I told Belle how I was surfing for porn last night but since I wasn't able to actually do anything to myself it ended up being unfulfilling and actually somewhat mesmerizing in the way documentaries about animal mating habits on the Discovery channel are. She told me to stop torturing myself because she'd being doing plenty of that herself tomorrow night. Oh, that felt good! She also told me that she spent the day thinking about how I looked in the shower and what a great ass she thinks I have and how she wanted to bite it (take note: ass biting sends me over the fucking moon). Suddenly I had a vision of her telling me to get in the shower, lather up, and start stroking myself while she watched though the glass door and fingered herself or, even better, used the sweet little dildo I got her for when I was otherwise detained. (Imagine me now looking like Homer Simpson thinking about donuts: mouth open, tongue lolling out, drool.)

Oh god...there's that wave of desire building up in me again. Except now it has a focus: Belle. As long as all those tornadoes of testosterone are crashing up against her, it's fucking great. Absent her, they're left to batter against my own doubts and insecurities. I so needed her tonight and she gave me just what I was missing. Thanks, Belle. See you tomorrow night. XO


So I'm feeling kinda bleh tonight. Belle's out of town and I miss her and wish she was with me. In fact, I feel her absence with a special keenness because we've been through so much lately and have come so far in such a short period of time. I really feel the need to be with her now, but of course, I'm not.

At the beginning of our relationship she'd go overseas for a week or two and I'd miss her so badly that I'd call her voicemail just to hear her and I'd walk into her closet and bury my face in her sweaters just to smell her. I'm feeling a little like that tonight. I know she'll be calling me later but I also know she'll be 1,500 miles away and that we'll only be together for one night before I leave and have to spend five more days away from her.

Like I said, bleh.

Plus, I keep finding more blogs and sites on chastity/tease & denial/orgasm denial and find myself feeling more and more distant from the vast community of people practicing these things. There are a few islands of apparent sanity that seem closer to where I am, but so many of the others are alien to me. They're either guys looking to be absolutely dominated by their women who will keep their nasty, awful, piggish manseed bottled up inside them forever or they're serial masturbators practicing a special kind of self-loathing and who are trying to save themselves from themselves with $180 pieces of acrylic. There are some elements of these guys that I can see in myself, but for the most part I feel as different from them as I am from just about anyone on the planet. To be honest, it's starting to suck a lot of my enthusiasm out of all this.

The Game

I can't believe I forgot to mention this!

So, as I've said, my wonderful Belle Fille is not, by nature, a kinky person. I hope to discover a kinky little hellcat hiding away in there somewhere as we progress down this strange new road, but in general she's very interested in making everyone she loves as happy and contented as possible. You can see some obvious problems this might present someone like me. So far, the tack I've taken is to tell her that the act of leaving me basically unsatisfied sexually, and going so far as to actually tease and torment me, makes me incredibly happy and, ultimately, very satisfied. She's giving it the old college try, and for that I am grateful.

So the day before she left on this trip she came up with the following idea. We will pick a finite period of time (say, three months). She will decide how many orgasms in those three months I will get. We'll then put a piece of paper representing each day in that three month period into a hat and I will draw one paper for each time she will let me cum. Only she will know the dates. I'll know how many times I'll be released, but not the intervals. I might get two in one week but then nothing for the next 6 weeks. She may tell me in advance that one's coming up or not, entirely at her discretion. In fact, she may deceive me and tell me I'm going to get to cum but then deny me at the last second. Whether or not the CB6K is involved is also entirely up to her discretion.

Sweet Jesus, I get chills just thinking about it.

The best thing about this is that it was pretty much entirely her idea. That she conceived of this scheme and them presented it to me as the way we're going to move forward (once I get back from my trip) makes me love her all the more for really doing her best to integrate my perversions into our relationship.


In the past week, I've ordered...
It's never been said about me that I don't jump enthusiastically into new endeavors. Most of this stuff is likely to come while I'm away later this week (damn it). Note to Belle: Don't open any strange boxes in front of the kids.

We also got a lockable plastic file box to store all the goodies in. I picked up a set of mini Master Locks to secure it (just like the one that comes with the CB6K, except with two keys, thank you very much). Belle has one key and the other is locked into a little combination key safe. That stays with me. If I ever have to get to it and she's not around, I can either ask her for the combo or open an envelope in my computer bag that contains the numbers. Either way, she'll know. By using locks from the same set on both the goodie box and the CB6K, she controls not only my orgasms but also when and how I receive sexual pleasure of any kind. I'm so serious about this, that the one and only toy from the "old days" I still used with any kind of regularity (a moderately sized penis-shaped Doc Johnson butt plug) is already locked up.

*Sigh.* Twenty-nine hours, thirteen minutes until her plane lands. Figure three-quarters of an hour or so for the trip from the airport...carry the two...tick...tick...tick...

Google AdNonsense

I think it's very funny that Google AdSense has placed seven ads for marriage counseling on this page and one ad for an online grocery store. Their algorithm reads this page about cock rings, chastity, and blue balls and decides what you, the reader, is really interested in is marriage counseling and delivered groceries?!

One ringy-dingy...

I'm back in the cheap-o hardware store cock ring. The aching balls are a thing of the past, so I want to do an experiment. After I got off the phone with Belle last night, I spent a great deal of time doing "research" into this new area of interest (i.e., looking at porn) and mostly kept my hands off mean her cock. I was obviously stimulated, but miles and miles away from cumming.

This morning, no pain whatsoever. So, if the pain is caused by blue balls (as I think it is) then I'm making the assumption that there has to be direct stimulation of my cock and/or bringing me to the brink of orgasm to induce the symptoms I had yesterday. If the pain is caused by the cock ring, then I'll be sore as hell tonight and tomorrow. Nobody's going to be bringing me close to orgasm until at least tomorrow night (pleasepleaseplease), so if I experience pain, it's the hardware's fault.

I really hope it's not the hardware because I'm starting to make an association with the ring and the commitment I've made to Belle. Just like our wedding bands are symbolic of our emotional relationship, the cock ring is symbolic of our sexual one. To me, its constant grip is the grip of her control over that part of my body (control I willingly ceded to her). I've decided that if my body allows it, I always want to be wearing some kind of cock ring. I feel naked and weird when I forget to wear my wedding ring I'm starting to think the cock ring is heading in the same direction. From now on, if I'm not in chastity, I want a ring around my unit.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Belle Fille-less

Belle's out of town (as I said earlier). The aching, swollen thing seems to have gotten better, but goddamn I wish I was seeing her tonight so I could be all achy and sore again tomorrow. Sure hope she'll talk dirty to me later...

[UPDATE] She called. Tired. Sleepy. Definitely not in dirty talking mood, though she did tell me she was touching herself. That did not necessarily help me. Now I've got that image in my head, a whole interweb full of porn, and sore balls. I wish the CB-6000 was here now and on me. I'd still be horny as hell, but without any hope of releasing myself. I'd have no choice but to muscle through until Wednesday night.

Forgot to mention earlier that about 13 hours after she gets home, I'll be getting on a plane and flying out of town until the following Monday. If she gives me a chance to shoot my load on Wednesday night, I'm taking that fucker.

OD vs. T&D vs. D/s, etc., Part 1

I admit to harboring a healthy number of sexual perversions. Some of them, I'm sure, aren't even legal in all the states. Most of what gets me going, though, is strictly in the realm of fantasy. The number of things I've read, watched, and rhythmically enjoyed on the web as opposed to the number I've actually engaged in is drastically lopsided. That being said, when I started learning more about all the various flavors of orgasm denial (OD) and how its practiced, I found myself unhappy with a great deal of what's out there. I would never judge the kink of another, but much of how OD is applied practically is far too "out there" for me and, at least as (if not more) importantly, my Belle Fille.

Things I said to Belle that I do not want from our practice of OD:
  • To be demeaned
  • To be hurt or injured
  • For her to be hateful toward me
  • To be dominated by her all the time, in all aspects of our life
What I do want very much:
  • For her to control if, when, and how I will enjoy orgasm for the rest of my days
  • For her sexual pleasure and satisfaction to always be before mine
  • For her to always leave me craving more of the unique pleasures only she can give
  • For us to have fun with our distinctly different sexualities
There is so much on the web around OD, tease and denial (T&D), and domination and submission (D/s), etc., that is very anti-male. I admit to being new to this scene, so it's entirely possible what I'm reading is just people staying in character, but I don't think so. Many sites written by women for women (example) make men out to be little more than sexual animals who can't be trusted to control their urges and who's sex drives can be harnessed to make them do all manner of things they wouldn't do otherwise. I've even read men on forums regurgitate this POV. Like somehow OD saves them from their inner pigs. (The notable exception, and luckily the site I found very early on in my exploration, is Tickleberry.)

The above line of thought is so alien to me it's not something I can even pretend to be into. Again, I do not judge anything anyone else is into, but personally, I revel in my maleness. I rejoice in the differences between women and men. The fact that I enjoy sex as much as I do, that it's as important to me as it is, that I think about it all the fucking time is wonderful. I would never want to abdicate my male prerogative to anyone else, even my beloved Belle Fille.

So, how can I say that and still get off on not getting off?

I see the way Belle and I are developing our version of OD as having two distinct parts. The first part is purely emotional and involves our evolving relationship and its importance to me. The second part is much more about the sex and the kink and FUN of how she controls my emissions.

First and foremost, I see my transference of control over my orgasms to Belle as a sacred gift. I love her and trust her and care enough about her and our relationship that I truly never want to experience sexual release ever again if she's not with me. I have alluded to the fact that I was unfaithful to Belle, so I need to stress that I did not come to this decision with the idea that it was a necessary penitence, act of contrition, punishment or because I didn't feel I could trust myself in the future. I did it willingly because I was looking for a way to help heal the damage I had done and saw this as not only something that held great personal appeal to me but would truly demonstrate the magnitude of my commitment to our relationship. Giving Belle the one thing that more than any other makes me male - control over my penis - tells her that I want my happiness and hers to be inseparably intertwined. This is not about the absence of sex or just having sex when she wants it. In fact, I will still initiate sex as much if not more than before. I trust her to use the power I've given her with the same loving attitude and care she's always used in other aspects of our relationship.

The fun part of all of this isn't the what of her control but the how of its execution. Things like the chastity device, edging, using my cock as a simple tool for her pleasure since she may not allow me to cum while she's enjoying it, and in general teasing me and keeping me in as active a state of sexual stimulation as possible for as long as possible are all just icing on my kinky little cake. I have always gravitated towards porn and fantasies involving either the willing or unwilling loss of sexual control. Now, I can actually live a version of this with the most important person in my life. She teases me and keeps me guessing as to how or if I'll be released. She'll stroke me or go down on me until I'm a quivering mass of sexual ecstasy and leave me hanging and craving more. She'll allow me to enter her and even fuck her with abandon as long as I understand I am not to ejaculate within her. Do we need a chastity device or other accoutrement to experience all this? No, certainly not. Jesus, I'm so hot right now just thinking about it! We've had enough sex recently with OD as the central principle to know we could do this all by ourselves indefinitely. The toys aren't required, but they sure do make the whole thing a bunch more fun.

The most important thing we both bring to the equation is mutual respect and love. I can remain secure with regards to my position in our marriage as an equal partner and confident in my masculinity while simultaneously giving her the keys to it (literally and figuratively). She in return will get sexual pleasure beyond what she's previously enjoyed along with levels of attention and devotion from me unseen since we first began our relationship.

That's the plan, anyway. So far so good.

Blue balls

Jesus, my balls ache. They feel fat, heavy, and bloated. I'm pretty sure this is merely a symptom of not being released by Belle, but it's only been three days since my last orgasm. We've had sex two of those nights and one of the mornings plus she jacked me off last night and this morning (up to the point of orgasm, but not beyond). So, I've had more than my fair share of stimulation, but no release. *groan*

On the other hand, it could be a result of my D.I.Y cock ring. While shopping for chastity devices, I read on Tickleberry their tips for measuring the circumference of my balls and cock (you need that for the trapped-balls type devices that fit around your unit). They recommend taking that measurement to the local hardware store and getting a similarly sized steel ring to check the fit. I did the math (circumference / 3.14) and got a diameter over 2 inches. This seemed odd since most of these things seem to top out at 2 inches and, while it does somewhat pain me to say this, the size of my member is nothing out of the ordinary.

After wearing a 2" ring from my local hardware store for two days and a night, I had to take it off due to the pain. It's not too tight when my dick is soft, but when it's hard (as it was pretty much the entire first night I wore it) it's quite tight. The next day, the pain was gone. Since Belle had allowed me to orgasm the night before, I couldn't know what caused the pain. I wore the ring again over night and had to take it off again the next day due to pain, but that was after being denied the night before.

So, I'm left with two scenarios. One, the circumference of my unit is freakishly large and I'll only be able to wear custom-fit elephant-type chastity devices. While this might be good for my ego, it's a real pain in the ass as I so badly want to wear chastity for more than 48 hours at a time. Or two, I'm a weak little pussy that only after a couple of days of denial has such a bad case of blue balls that I'm left limping around the house like a 70-year-old.

Neither is very appealing. I'll keep you posted.

P.S. We eventually bought the CB-6000 from this site which had the lowest price I could find online. Not only was it cheaper than a stainless model, but it comes with multiple rings (none of which is bigger than 2"). We figure it's a good training wheels type option to use while deciding if a chastity device is right for us. If so, I'm definitely getting some heavy metal.

Belle, who just left town for a business trip, told me I could open the box when it arrives but I can under no circumstances put it on since, technically, the device belongs to her, not me (as does the thing it goes on). I anxiously await its arrival.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

How it started

Belle Fille and I, as I said, had more or less stopped having sex. Clinically, it was a sexless marriage - we had sex, but infrequently. After I caused pain in my marriage (I believe that's how the politicians say it), we actually started having more sex. In fact, I'd say we've easily had more sex in the past month than we have in the past year (maybe twice as much).

In order to keep that up, I started shopping for sex toys. We've never used them in our lovemaking, though I've used them extensively prior to our marriage and even afterward during masturbation. As I clicked around Healthy & Active's 14 categories of sex toys, I noticed they had one called "Misc. Sex Toys". Seriously? They had fourteen categories of sex toys and still needed one for the miscellaneous stuff? I had to look.

After digging around in the medical devices (I've always had a doctor kink), I noticed a category called Chastity. It was as if someone lit a flare in my brain. I was instantly and profoundly aroused. I don't recall ever seeing chastity devices before that moment and I can't say I was too impressed with their assortment of three models, but the concept was powerfully stimulating. I asked the Google for more info and soon found myself on the wonderful Tickleberry site.

Now this is what I was looking for! They had great informational articles and beautiful photography and the gear they were selling was gorgeous. Not only was I able to explore a fascinating new kink, but the gadget geek in me was in heaven looking at the finely crafted stainless steel contraptions. And, even better, they were expensive. I started reading about Divine Domination and found myself unable to stop thinking about chastity and losing control over my ejaculation.

That night, after our regular conversation about our relationship, I decided to open myself up a little more to Belle than I ever had before. I showed her the Tickleberry site and the chastity items. My interest in them was quite evident. I'm very happy to say she did not close up upon seeing them. I can't say she was as intrigued as I was (not by a long shot), but she also didn't do or say anything to make me feel strange about getting turned on by it all.

Not having been snuffed out by a negative reaction from Belle, the little seed continued to germinate.

On names

The names I'm going to use on this site for me and my wife are the names we developed for each other in the early days of our relationship and, until recently, had all but abandoned.

She called me "Thumper" because I liked to fuck like a bunny. Hey, what can I say? I love sex. As far as I'm concerned, the act of having sex is a cornerstone element of the male existence. For me, the very moment I slide my cock into a warm and wet pussy I get a message from a distant, reptilian, unevolved part of my brain telling me I'm doing exactly the thing I was put on this earth to do. It may seem odd that someone with this point of view would start practicing orgasm denial (OD). Over time, I'll make my position clear. For the moment, let's just say I don't think being denied ejaculation each time I pleasure my partner to in any way diminish the profundity of the experience.

My wife's nickname came from my discovery, early in our relationship, of her ability to talk dirty in French. Holy hollandaise sauce, Batman! That was hot. For all I know, she was giving me directions to the nearest restroom, but it pushed my buttons. I did a little research and found that "beautiful girl" in French translates to "belle fille" (pronounced "bell fee"). So, that's what I called her. Belle Fille. It's been more than a dozen years since I gave her that name (and nearly as long since I used it regularly) and we've both grown older and she's given me two beautiful kids in the mean time, but that's still how I see her. My Belle Fille.

Why this blog?

Orgasm denial comes in many flavors (most of them salty). "Male chastity" along with "tease and denial" are other common names. I've found similar concepts in both Indian and Judaic tradition. In addition, it seems to be a foundational element of BSDM.

The reason I started this blog, though, was not to categorize, compare, and contrast all the various practices (though that might happen along the way). None of the sites I've found seem to be written for me or my partner. There are elements of nearly all of them that appeal to me (and my kinky side), but when I think of how I want orgasm denial (OD) to work in our relationship, I can't find an analogue. So, since we're at the very beginning of our exploration and I don't have anyone other than my partner with which I can discuss it, here I go. Maybe this will prove helpful for someone else.

A few things up front. First of all, everything you read here will be true. I will not relate events to you that did not occur nor will I embellish those that did. You'll just have to trust me on this. Second, I have no idea how long this thing will go. Maybe I'll lose interest in a couple of days or weeks. Maybe not. I assume it will go at least until OD becomes a "normal" part of the life my partner and I will lead, but there are no guarantees in life.


I am a 41-year-old father of two and husband of 11 years. I live in a mid-sized American city and own a small business. You can call me Thumper.

Recently, my wife and I started couple's therapy (for reasons that I will make clear). Short story, after 11 years, we found ourselves in a situation not unlike that of many other couples (whether they know it or not). We grew apart, I hurt her, and there we were. Luckily, we both wanted to save the relationship. Regardless of whatever I did, I've never for a second stopped loving my wife, and neither did she stop loving me. However, there were issues. We had stopped communicating and our sex life had pretty much disappeared. I resented her lack of sexual availability and she resented having to shoulder the majority of household tasks (on top of her demanding job). At least we hadn't yet started to resent each other's existence.

Today, though, I'd say we're our relationship is better than it's been in probably 10 years. Yes, the month we've spent in therapy has helped. But the real revelation - the one that has so fundamentally altered my outlook on life - didn't come from the psychologist's couch. It came from the internet. Through the happy coincidence of linked web pages, I stumbled upon a concept referred to by many names. For the moment, the name for it I like best is "orgasm denial".